W72D3

Yesterday went by extremely slowly.  I think that was because the tasks I was working on were taking hours at a time to run and I couldn't leave my desk while they were running.  I had some heartburn yesterday so I countered with a couple snow peas.  I drank a lot of water.  I'm down another 3+ pounds.  I also haven't had a bm since monday sometime.

This morning I feel ok.  I am a little tired, but not overly.

As the day went on I felt really well.  I had more energy.  My focus wasn't great.  I tested my ketones and I was between 15 and 40 so I'll say it was 27.5.  My headache went away.  I decided to read up on the dangers of water fasting... I thought I had before I started, but I probably wanted some kind of cognitive dissonance or confirmation bias who knows what you do when you're desperate.  Mostly, I was competing against a friend of mine, he doesn't know it, and it may be one of the few times I ever feel competitive.  In any case, my brain convinced me to lookup the health effects and while death hasn't been a factor in staying fat it seems anti-conducive to getting healthy and losing a lot of this weight.  I decided to do some more research; I want to lose weight and not die.

I ate some chicken, cheese, and sunflower seeds last night.  I chose those foods on purpose.

I decided to look more into a short term PSMF (protein sparing modified fast) where I eat mostly protein during the day and stay under 20g carbs by eating veggies (not starches, carrots, fruits, alcohols, etc).  We'll see.  it's time for bed.

W72D2

Yesterday wasn't as rough as I thought it would be.  I read a lot of articles on fasting and they made it sound like I was going to die the first 24 hours.  If I hadn't been used to fasting for years I probably would have.  By fasting, I mean that I used to only eat dinner; however, I would drink a lot of Coke through the day.

I had some hunger which I would counter with 2 glasses of water.  I had a headache towards the end of the day, which went away right before bed but is back now.  I got up to pee a lot last night - three times and I emptied my over-full bladder.  Water weight loss put me at 3 pounds down.  I did my measurements yesterday and I'll do them every Sunday.  My plan is minimum of 5 days - I'd like to go 14 days.  I am not planning to workout during the fast, however, I haven't ruled it out.  I want to workout I don't think it's a good idea.  As for whether fasting is or isn't a good idea - we'll have to see.  Being 100 pounds overweight isn't a good idea either.  I'm not doing this to lose weight; I'm doing this to drop sugar completely.  I am a sugar addict and cutting Coke was hard enough, now it's time to cut out everything for a bit and "start over" so-to-speak.  When I'm done with the fast I'll introduce food slowly - like watermelon and soup.  Then add more veggies and fruit and some meats.

I did wake up tired.   I slept 8 hours and was still ready for another 2-10 hours of sleep.  I'm sure part of that is that I woke up multiple times and after the last one I didn't get back to sleep.  I did have like 12 kernels of popcorn last night to get rid of my heartburn.

W72D1

I'm going back to daily logging. I use myfitnesspal to log my food and workouts, but I have no accountability so if i don't workout then i have nothing out there that holds me to keeping on track.

I have grown tired of the constant back and forth with myself. I've been keeping regular track of my weight since 2008 and blogging about it since 2012. It has occurred to me (before) that I am killing myself with food. I get to a point where I'm happy with my progress and then what do I do? I eat butterfingers, caramellos, and reeses peanut butter cups until I get back to where I started. Earlier this year I realized that I wasn't taking care of myself because, I thought, that I had survivors guilt. Some go into a hypertraining state - I went into a hypotraining state and hyper eating state. I believe I'm literally trying to kill myself with food by staying fat so I don't have to pull the trigger, but wait for a heart attack or stroke to just end it. I advocate for suicide prevention and here I am killing myself. Since I hit that thought again on Friday night I've done much better. I had some candy on Saturday and I drank a lot on Saturday night. I haven't had any cravings since Friday.

I say I'm tired of regret and not doing what it takes to feel better; subconsciously, my brain has been telling me I need more pain and suffering.

Today, I start a water fast. I'm planning 5 days and see where I'm at Friday night to see if I'll continue on.

W70D1

It has been such a crazy ride.  70 weeks and virtually no progress... and that's just what I've posted about.  In reality this struggle has been going on since Dec 2008 (416 weeks)... and that's too long.  I still haven't figured out how to get past the feelings of unworthiness that I believe hold me back in accomplishing my goals.  So this run I'm reminded of a Bruce Lee quote, paraphrased, choose to do one difficult thing each day; even if I don't want to work out, i'll choose to workout when and how I'm supposed to.

This last week I cut out almost all sugars that don't come from fruit, veg, or meat.  I've felt great.  I did have some sweet tea, an amaretto sour, and 4 slices of bread -- after the bread I had really bad headaches.  I didn't do bad last week.

This week I hit the workouts more.  I will do 10-20 mins on the rockwall, 60 mins on the stationary bike on the hardest resistance, and 30-60 mins of strength training wearing a 10# weight vest.